a view from the shattered window

Title: A view from the shattered window/silhouette

A camera is used to capture pictures. That’s what it was made for. Every picture tells a story. If a picture, something that mankind had created could voice remarkable stories, what about me? I am a complex machine with feelings, genuine feelings. I churn anger, blues, happiness, love, affection, jealousy, greed and whatnot in this tiny four chambered inn called heart. Having said that, without a doubt, I can easily keep up with the amazing stories a picture portrays although it is not the best rival I have. I can’t let a machine win and get all the credit. But then of course, I need a way. I need a plan. The time just came perfectly when I discovered something bizarre or we could say, incredible about myself. I can connect to almost anything in this world when I have a pen and a paper. These two magical objects manoeuvre me to a world beyond my slightest imagination and I finally have found my way of telling a story. 

My work is simple. I just arrange words like musical notes and they just blossom into a beautiful complete symphony at the end of the day. Frankly speaking, I lied about my work being simple. It is simple when I am not obligated to do it. In my defence, nobody likes being tied down to something.  Mark this; I just said it wasn’t that simple. I never said I didn’t like it. In fact, I love what I am doing. Writing is a big part of my tiny little haunted rendezvous entitled life. In this setting, writing is the door to a haunted rendezvous with a shattered window, or should I say, an escape plan from the tormenting reality. I never liked the reality. Mark this again, I just said I never liked the reality but I never said that I was never grateful with what I have. I am indeed grateful with every single joy or grieve I have but I can’t help myself from falling in love with the idea of being a fugitive in another horizon. I find it enticing of having the power to control lives and be whoever you want. I am certain that I have mentioned that writing is my way of telling stories and in this scenario, my hunger fits perfectly to my job. The moment when I push the pen to the paper, the ink is the witness to my absconding from the reality. I can be whoever I want, wherever I want and hail from any background I wish for. Characters are projections from my sub-conscious reality. They can be related to me or be complete strangers. It gets more fascinating when I can indulge myself with first-class corporate extravagant lifestyle and be a well-respected citizen or a tourist to places that don’t even exist when in reality; I am nothing more than an 18 year old girl, stuck in her room, waiting for an admission letter from the university. 

Now I can guarantee that the characters or the projections of my alter ego have electrifying lives for the better or worse than my actual one. It should be taken into account that writing too, is another form of communication. I can touch one’s soul with a phrase. It’s very dominant. I can even change people’s lives with my writing and that’s certainly in my to-do list before anyone reads me the eulogy. I want to open a door to the world and perspectives I generated. I am the captain of the ship. If it’s called insanity, then be it. I don’t mind, as long as I can convey certain messages. The problem of being a writer is that you will always have people to criticize every single way and the comments can be very offensive sometimes. Over these years being a budding writer and an amateur who I still am, it sure does get hard when people always make me wear different tags on my personality. I was always the dark, weird, eccentric and delusional teen because I made a mistake of expressing my emotions, thoughts and passion in a different way.   

Please take a note that it was indeed the best mistake I ever made because I would never be half of the strong figure I present myself today if I haven’t done that.  Growing up and building up a personality with constant preying pejorative eyes always made me feel like a soldier combating in a pointless endless war. But now it’s not about me anymore. This is not about me struggling my high school years or dealing with annoying teenage dramas. I am not the heroin in this story. I am not the diva with my life under spotlight no more. Yesterday I might be a petrified loner, but today I am so much more than that. 

I am a writer. I write because I want to tell stories. I write because like Leonardo da Vinci, I want to paint my own Mona Lisa. I want to create a masterpiece that could be remembered and talked about for ages. I write because I don’t care about what people might think because I literally have grown out of it. I write because I want to spread some hope to the desperados to survive in this cruel blind world. I write because I have a towering ego that won’t simply just bow down to mistreatments, bias, and unreasonable rules. I have to be honest that I was never fond of the idea of pretending that I was born with a defect, precisely, being blind about all the chaos and mess around me when the world is dying. I write so people could see a different view for a second, from a shattered window. I am giving them a private tour to my brain. How wonderful is that? They don’t need to go to mind readers or psychics to know what’s on my mind. Finally, like I have mentioned earlier, I write because it’s an escape. It is my bitter-sweet escape.

           

stick and stones

"stick and stones broke my bones,
but your words saved me."

 

king for a day

Alas, the sunrise does justice,
This tongue of serpent spits out venomous spells,
For its a day a king shall be crowned,
For the day the kraken will  be released,
For every living second we'll choke ourselves on ecstasy,
I feign sleep the whole 5 days of storm in the sea,
As i know this is where the beginning would be. 


p/s: this song is UH-MA-ZING! 

next

the next day will be fine, it will be,
for i would never want my faith to be shaken again,
i would want to wait and see the extraordinary thing. :)

isabella's dream

you and i,
we live in parallel world,
one up there and one down here,
both will never meet no matter how similar the shape is,
him and i,
we live in a mess but of the same horizon,
one in front and another one three steps back,
both will always catch up and might walk side by side no matter how different the color is.

some days.

some days, you just accidentally fall for no reasons,
some days, you just cry because you want to,
some days, you just want to scream till your throat bleed,
some days, you just want to kill whoever stands in your way,
some days, you just want to die because you're tired,
some days, you just wish that you were small again,
BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT,
when you fall, that makes you realize that you can't always be up there because pain makes you stronger,
you can cry all you want because at some point, you deserve it and i can give you a shoulder to cry on,
you can scream till your throat bleed because sometimes words don't always get easy to be narrated beautifully, 
you can push away whoever stands in your way, with intelligence and patience,
dying is the last stop, the journey and the sweat throughout life are worth fighting for and i'll always be there for you,
its always good to be small again, but growing up gives you the power to accomplish the little kid's dreams. 
:)

class party!

i know its pretty late to write about it but as i reminisce, i can't help myself but to smile whenever i think about my senior class party last year. it was a blast. AWESOME! the setting was at a hotel, outdoor, at night, with friends, by the pool. it was truly a night to remember. we couldn't care less about the food as long as the family was there. there was music too. i remembered this one time when ellisya played "bulletproof love" when she connected her ipod to the speaker and i screamed hysterically. that was my favorite song. we all talked, giggled, took A LOT of photos and danced that night. the boys in my class showed their long hidden talents as they spread their wings on the dancefloor to bassfhunter. shuffle, break dance, tecktonik, you just name it. lol.

hello fascination

Salam, :) long story cut short, i didn't get into Matriks nor UPU. i've done the appealing thing and now i am waiting for my second chance. so, as for now, i am gonna have to get my lazy butt back to school and start my form 6 for a moment until i get the second placement, InsyaAllah. i guess its not my time yet to shine i suppose. whatever it is, i feel great because i had gone through one HELL of a year last year and now i am getting my fractured bones back together. i can't be more grateful than that. i could've stuck somewhere, but i chose to get out of it, and now, Alhamdulillah, i am doing much better now. it does feel really weird to go back to one place you never wanted to go again, but hey, maybe its time for me to fix the broken machine back. who knows right. :)

love and relationship

so, i am pretty much positive that love is different than relationship.
you can have a relationship without love.
you can love without having any relationship.
people always get these two things wrong.
i for sure am not going to talk about my love life.
but i'd like to make certain things CLEAR here.
1) if you love someone, you'd have his name mentioned in your prayers every single time.
2) if you love someone, you'd wait for him.
3) if you love someone, you'd accept the differences.
4) if you love someone, you'd be with him through storms and clear.
5) if you love someone, you'd be happy being yourself around him.
6) if you love someone, you wont change anything about yourself, but you only would make things better.
7) if you love someone, you'd smile whenever you see things that remind you of him.
8) if you love someone, you wont say things that'll break his heart.
9) if you love someone, you'd give and take.
10) if you love someone, at certain point, you will learn to let certain things go.
:) 

six, seven, eight, nine

the black and white keys synchronize perfectly to the symphony i am playing,
they create notes that tingle my soul,
they dance as i force my fingers to run at high speed,
they know the arrival of the bumblebee,
the climax shan't be said,
i remember how the crowd cheers.

silver masquerade

Salam;
wow, it has been a while since i last updated.
i guess there's nothing much to be written and i don't want to fill my blog with rubbish. nobody cares in the end.
anyways, take care everyone.
much love. <3

this one's for you

little wish

Sarah has always wanted to become a princess. She always imagines herself in a beautiful pink gown with a sparkly tiara.
* Mommy, Mommy ! i want to be a princess * asks Sarah happily.
* You already are my dear * says Mrs. Potts
Sarah jumps merrily and cuddles with her fat Persian cat, Tommy.
Tommy feels scared and thus it runs away. 

powder

i don't like stories,
because none of them is real,
i don't like flowers,
because they remind me of dying,
i don't like gadgets,
because they make me forget about the important things,
i don't like mingling,
because i am tired of meeting the wrong people.

old album

self-respect,
every human's weapon equipped since day 1,
grows stronger as you grow bigger,
or grows weaker and then prepares to be buried.
from this shattered window's perspective,
i see that no human can be called as human if he doesn't have any self-respect.
clearly think about it. :)

extremist

Salam;

 so, yesterday, i went out with friends from school for a movie.

i don't know what was wrong with me,

but as much as i felt happy,

a little jolt of concern stabbed me. i looked at everyone and they were enjoying themselves. 

it got me thinking for a moment,

is this the kind of fun that human should indulged themselves with? 

words of wisdom

i don't think i remember most of the words i used to know.
and if you do too then its okay,
as long as you have the word * ALLAH * tattooed on your mind.
every bad thing shall pass.
InsyaAllah. :)

here comes the bride

wedding ( an event that usually hates my presence )

frankly, i don't like attending wedding receptions, but the little girl inside me would love to have my own little wedding someday.

i think i have passed the pre-adolescent limit now to be talking about this. lol. 

i don't ask for much, i just want a very closed and quiet wedding attended by family and close friends. 

truth to be told, i don't mind getting married at young age. i am sure that most of the girls nowadays go for careers and paychecks before settling down, even i would say yes to that too before i say yes to a man.

but who knows, anything can happen right. :) 

bouquet for funeral

it has always been the silent tears that hurts the most. 

the lost fugitive

Salam;
it has been weeks since my last post. ( please don't get mad )
anyhow, a lot of things had happened to me over this period of time and i can't be more grateful to Allah for this.
i've lost everyone i love, yes, EVERYONE within a blink of an eye. i was lost, angry, lonely and you know, sad. but it got me thinking, why would the Mighty Lord ever give someone a problem and take something away if it isn't for a good reason? 
indeed, God is great. over these mourning period, i've learned something bad about myself. i came to know what  was wrong in me. if none of these things had happened, i would still be the horrible kid. 
i grew stronger and maybe i still am sad, but i could not be more happier and grateful on the other side because i have finally chained the little monster in me. :)
" If Allah wants to do good to somebody, He
 afflicts him with trials. " (Sahih Bukhari Vol. 7, Book 70, #548)

black sheep

its kind of funny the fact that i've been always been a black sheep at any second or any point i go. 

the click

Salam;
its 3 in the morning and i still don't have any sign of going to snore and for sure, i am not astonished by this fact. :)
i'm too old for this, really, or i have grown out of it.
anyhow,
i just realized how BORING my blog is because its filled with sad words, well, most of them. 
i am starting to feel bad about it.
but i don't think i have any reader, so, i guess its okay to let it be this way. lol.
the reason why i don't really update about my life and everything is mainly because i don't really have anything interesting at all to tell you. i know a lot of people have amazing stories on how they fight aliens, gossips, you know, stuffs like that and blog about it. 
;;; love exists because of Him, thank you Allah. ;;;

claudius

i was at my aunt's since yesterday,
and today,
my cousins and i decided to kill time at the mall. ( big mistake )
i ATE too much! lol
i went to a bookstore,
and at classics,
i saw something. ( HAMLET BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE )
i went cuckoo for a moment and grabbed myself a copy. 
i learn that sometimes big mistakes trigger to a-quite-happy-ending afterward. 
i don't know if its real, but, just be positive i suppose. :)

doubt

maybe you're right.
maybe i over-think.
its kind of ironic that people don't see the world like the way i see it.
a tree is just a tree.
a book is just a book.
a character is just a character.
maybe i need to go out more often and find the solutions.
or maybe i should just stay home and live.

average superstar

salam;.
i just finished completing the upu form and i have chosen to major in english out of all the courses.
i know there are a lot of kids and especially girls who'll probably choose pre-medic, pharmacy, nursing and whatnot, but not english. 
it makes me laugh a bit, but seriously, i ain't taking TESL and getting ended up teaching english at high school. i hope so.
i am planning on learning literature and there i go again, the thought of having a gun on my head and just about pull the trigger, since i have to find some ridiculous words from the dictionary. lol.
i enjoy learning ancient minds and cultures.
i think maybe that is why i have chosen english. 

number one

you just need one sentence or word that will completely change every single aspect in your life. for me, the word for today is * disappointment *. it is true that i am always not as happy and blablablabla, but never i was disappointed, until today. i don't want to go through the whole story but the main point is, i am really disappointed with some of my friends who are  being so insensitive. i am being realistic enough that i just don't want to take any drastic move or hurt the others since they treat me like crap because i believe that what goes around comes around. suddenly, i feel like everyone around me is conspiring a plot to kill me or to hate me, or to kill me ( okay, i am weird like that ). i just can't trust anyone anymore i guess which is really devastating. maybe on the other hand, i might as well have done something bad in the past and now i am getting the punishment from Allah. whatever it is, i'll try to look at the brightest side of everything and continue the journey. 

diary of a grumpy kid

today's checklist;
1) woke up at 12 pm ( don't judge me )
2) friends came over
3) downloading kung pow enter the fist- ridiculously funny!
4) had lunch
5) went to facebook
6) more melodramatic feelings
7) i cried
8) babysit my cousin
9) more sleeping
conclusion: i haven't done anything productive so far. :)

violet's first love

i scream because i thought you could hear my voice for once,
i smile because i have your picture in every song i sing,
i cry because i want to cover it with laughter if we ever meet,
i write because i am hoping that you would read.
good morning for those who had skipped the joy of midnight,
good night for those who are waiting for the sunrise.

simple calculation

*only if you could measure life by a scientific scale, then it would be simple. you never runs out of number * i might just have switched myself to a positive mode right now, so, why not i blab about something positive for this very entry. do you want to know one thing i realize about relationships? i realize that no matter how magical the story starts or already in the middle, it only brings to a conclusion ; a choice of being sad or happy. some end it with a marriage and get heart-broken for life and some end it with a breakup and be happy. so, be wise. :) 

dramatic ( a call for help )

*behind that tragic affair of yours, i see myself making a distance away from that horrible scene.* behind every smile i call fake, true enough, i need help. i need to get out. i am tired of screaming. i am exhausted. i am never giving up, but sometimes it is the only way i see. what i understand about the world is, they only listen and use psychology to talk me out of this but they don't UNDERSTAND, never will. as much as i am trying to walk away, i am only finding myself closer to the main idea, to the top of the bridge. 

gossip

*why can't you just move on? *. a question that echoes and dances gracefully, from the ears, to my mind. i am moving on, i have moved on in fact. no matter how beautifully i play dress up, beneath that cotton, there are still visible scars from the past. those words that stabbed me like swords, those sinister laughter they made, the darkness that sheltered the sacred temple of mine. i use words, alphabets , imagination to cure every poison that once crept through my vein. i am not lonely, maybe i have chosen silence to be the continuous tracks to my train. i am not weird, i just see  the world differently, maybe with less colors, or more buildings. i am not a princess, i am just another person with a pen and paper, writing her thoughts.

silverrette

misery comes in a long and strong chain,
a chain that never breaks,
oh dear ( silverette ),
if only you could go away,
if only we could be parted,
if only you and i could be separated.

faux affliction

i want the weather's forecast today to be as clear as the raging storm in my head.

96

i stab the thought of sorrow,
for it bores me to death,
i'm chasing the mere reflection of agony,
shaking my body not knowing why i am still unapparent. 

anhedonic

there are a lot of things that i've missed so much in my life.
i miss
1) sleeping like a healthy person. 
2) running around and not being bothered with anything.
3) smiling.
4) being healthy.
5) having enough or over-supplied food in my stomach all the time. ( i used to be fat )
6) the time when my biggest problem was my homework.
7) pretending that i don't give a damn about anything.
8) going to chatrooms and having crappy random conversations because i was desperate finding some friends and someone to talk to. 
9) the part where i don't have to be sad anymore.

the cat screams

good night wednesday,
good morning thursday,
one tick separates a day,
one tick too brings me closer to death. 

ambition

from this moment onward, my ambition is to be happy until i let go of the last breath. until my soul leaves my body. until the air stops circulate inside me. this is not a * when i grow up * kind of ambition, i don't want to be too old to feel happiness on my wrinkled skin. i deserve to be happy now. my skin has been corroded with sadness. its time to heal it with a slight sense of happiness and InsyaAllah, the happiness will blossom like a beautiful tree. 

fright

man: you're a girl with problems.
girl: no. i am completely fine. 
man: lie, you cant even look at me in the eye.
girl: .......
man: you have sleepless nights, what are you thinking about?
girl: i am scared, i am getting the results anytime by now.
man: lie, there's something more than that. you're just covering that up.
girl: *runs*.

funeral

i will bury my feelings picturing a razor and blood scene,
there will be you and me,
now its just us three,
because the second will be dead. 

crayons

loneliness suppresses my chest,
i am asphyxiated,
i cant breathe,
i have been thrown into a sea full of questions,
most of them are about growing up,
like a melted crayon i fill the emptiness of that silk,
make dirt and breathe from that thread,
because i know i am still the painter,
and forever a painter i shall be. 

peace

i am feeling a slight moment of peace,
when i'm surrounded with the ones i love,
yes, we're having a beautiful feast. 

sweat

whilst he prepares a romantic ballad behind my lair,
i'll run and dance under that spell.

surah al-fatih

اَللَّهُمَّ صَلِّ وَسَلِّمْ عَلَى سَيَّدِناَ مُحَمَّدِنِ الْفَاتِحِ لِمَا أُغْلِقَ وَالْخَاتِمِ لِمَا سَبَقَ

وَالنَّاصِرِ الْحَقِّ بِالْحَقِّ الْهَادِىْ إِلَى صِرَاطٍ مُسْتَقِيْمٍ وَعَلَى آلِهِ وَصَحْبِهِ حَقَّ

قَدْرِهِ وَمِقْدَارِهِ الْعَظِيْمِ

“Ya Allah, Rahmatilah & berilah kesejahteraan serta berkatilah penghulu kami Muhammad, pembuka bagi barang apa yang ditutup dan penamat bagi apa yang telah sudah, penolong bagi yang hak, penunjuk ke arah jalan yang lurus. Allah berselawat ke atasnya, ahli keluarga & sahabat-sahabatnya sebagaimana selayak untuknya sesuai dengan darjat dan kedudukannya yang tinggi dan besar”

• Barangsiapa membaca selawat ini 11 kali setiap kali selepas sembahyang, segala dosa-dosa kecilnya diampuni Allah dan hatinya menjadi tenteram.
• Barangsiapa membacanya 21 kali setiap hari, Allah akan melapangkan rezeki dan selamat keluarganya dari kesusahan serta dijauhkan dari azab neraka.
• Jika dibaca 100 kali setiap hari, seseorang akan dimudahkan Allah untuk mendapat jodoh bagi lelaki atau wanita.
• Jika dibaca 1000 kali pada malam Isnin, Khamis atau Jumaat membolehkan bermimpi bertemu dengan Rasulullah s.a.w dengan izin Allah..iaitu dibaca selepas sembahyang hajat.

last night's affair

behind her eyes, 
she sees different kind of lies,
she hides every truth under the lights,
a light that burns,
a light that shatters,
every piece of contaminated heart,
some people will keep on lying for a living,
for i will keep on laughing to cover the ache.

little girl's confession

finally the horror penetrates my skin and pierces my mind. i am lonely. i don't have friends. i only have sketched a beautiful life on a canvas, a masterpiece, but it will never be mine. there's only a puppet, a reflection of my flesh, but the soul is nowhere to be found. the puppet is disintegrating every chance for the strings to be attached on her body for she longs to be freed. 

my epic love for food

i love food. 
i love experimenting with something that my stomach can digest. 
i love making people happy with a gift called food.
i love the smile people make when they chew and gulp something that explodes their taste buds.
period. 

smile

i hope he takes your filthy heart and then he throws you away someday. 
you're the lowest type, you're the lowest. 
i hope mister right puts up with all the bullshit that you do. 
met a girl at 23, thought she meant the world to me, so i gave her everything, and she did the same to me. IMAGINE THAT.
- favorite quotes- source=sws

haven

this mouth-watering looking dessert is going to be a sinful one. :) i am flicking through recipes and i found this. cream puffs. i can feel it going down my oesophagus already. lol. 

growing up

*you don't need an exact age to grow up, you just have to *. thinking about my upcoming life in college gives me goosebumps. i am not scared, well, okay, i lied. i am scared, yet so ecstatic at the same time. i have no idea what i am going to take, the ambition fades as day passes. the shadow separates from the main idea. living in hostel with strangers, has to be the worst soundtrack i have to listen to. i am already getting the post-exam jitters as i am getting my results any day from now. i hope everything will be fine, InsyaAllah. 

insecure

do you know the feeling when you see pretty girls and you start feeling bad about yourself? 

book

i love being a character in a book called LIFE. just like any cliche i read in books, i tripped and fell down to Earth. like a knight, i fight the biggest enemy, myself and i am winning the truce, even better, the war. love comes along the way, i get hurt and the scars sometimes magically appear and disappear in time. one day, when the ink finishes on the last alphabet and when the right time comes, i will sail myself to a never ending world. 

flowers

*cut the rope and i still am there hanging, by a thread of faith *. Ya Allah, in this horrendous storm that i am passing through, please never let go of my Iman and faith. Please protect the ones that i love and please stay them away from any harm. I know this is too much to ask considering I am nothing but a speck, even worse that that, but please listen to my prayers oh Allah because Allah knows best. 

ruby

* you don't see me, you only see a body *. sometimes, to me, life is like a rubix cube. no matter how you scramble it, at the end, you'll get it back to the colors. it takes time to solve it, but when when you're good at solving it, you're the BEAST. when you know the exact reason why do you have to live, you'll be just fine. ship of difficulties might sail on the way, nonetheless, i am grateful i am getting a clearer picture now about life, Alhamdulillah. 

apology

* if there's any more room in your heart, don't save it for me, save it for my apology *. giving and taking an apology is hard, especially for the giving part. * sorry *, one word that changes everything, one word that soothes the heart, one word that puts out the fire, yet just one word every mouth hates to spill. if there's anything wrong that i've done to anyone in the past, present or will do in the future, i would want to state my apology here from the bottom of my heart for the lives i've destroyed, the hearts i've shattered, the smiles i've killed. i am nothing but just a weak human being who is prone to wrong-doings, just like everyone else. 

till silence do us apart.

* what's your biggest fear?- fear of Him, The Creator *. it has been two circulations of the moon since i last updated. sinister smiles and fake giggles were clearly written on my face for the past few days. exhausted, asphyxiated, suffocated i was and still am. i don't want to choke myself but i just had to sometimes. 

a day at the ice-cream societe

*name one thing that you do a lot in your life? - i say spending my time not knowing what i want to do in my life - *. as clearly written on the title, yes, i spent 8 hours out of 24 on 1st January of 2012 in an ice-cream shop. reasons? i work there and i love my job as well. meeting weird and obnoxious people, sigh, spices in my working chapter. nonetheless, i became stronger and tougher because of these people. thank you dear weird and annoying customers for your constant blatant comments. i'm gonna have to learn to appreciate little things from now on because they trigger something majestic in the future. no pain no gain, that's what i should always keep in my mind.